Mind Your Selfs

By Courtney Yeiser, LPCC for Mind & Body

It's none of your business what other people think or believe about you. This is one of the most common statements I make to my clients. In our world where social media likes, follows and shares hold such importance, it has become an all-too-common habit to base your sense of self around what others may or may not perceive you to be. 

While, as human beings, we have a built-in primitive instinct to fit in to survive, some take this a step further, acting on the belief that they need everyone to agree with or like them. This is an unachievable expectation that is doomed to failure as soon as the thought zaps through your neurons. Many people seek to mold themselves to others. Each individual you come across has their own perception of who you are. Can you imagine the sheer exhaustion if you were to consciously choose to change yourself to each individual you interact with? Yet many people do this every day without realizing it. The goal is not to become the version of the person they consider you to be but to develop into the version of you that is most authentic to yourself.   

Shoring up the Selfs

As part of not caring what others think of you, we will look at different aspects of self and how to strengthen them. The stronger your sense of self, the easier it is to live your life for you. Self refers to the identity that you have cultivated and developed throughout your life, which may continue to evolve as you adapt to changing circumstances.

Self-love and self-care go hand in hand. Self-love is having a high regard for your own well-being and believing that you deserve to take care of yourself and be taken care of. Self-care is taking the time to do activities, go places, and be with people that will help you live a good life. The nine areas of self-care that I like to address are financial (budgeting, investing, saving), spiritual (church, nature, meditation), environmental (the spaces you occupy are relaxing and safe), physical (taking care of your body, exercise, diet, sleep), emotional (therapy, coping skills, EQ), intellectual (reading, puzzles), relational (the connections with those around you), recreational (fun, laughter), and occupational (work/home balance, satisfaction). Creating a plan that addresses these areas and scheduling time to perform them are very beneficial.

Self-concept and self-perception or image are two sides of the same coin. Self-concept refers to the idea you have of who you are as a person that don’t necessarily change with emotions or other’s opinions (values, beliefs, physical characteristics). Self-perception, closely related to self-esteem, is how you judge yourself by looking at aspects of self-concept. Ex. I have blonde hair (self-concept). My blonde hair is ugly (self-perception). If you can build a strong self-concept without judging traits, you may remove criticism about characteristics that you can't or won’t change, highlight the ones you do like, and accept all. 

Self-assurance is confidence in your own abilities. The first step is to identify your strengths, acknowledge them and then build on them. Using affirmations that are specific and meaningful to you will also help (I am, I can, I will). For example, I am a good typist. I can type 80 words per minute. I will increase that to 100 per minute. Basing self-assurance on your weaknesses is pointless.

Self-acceptance is recognizing and acknowledging who you are as a human being with no judgment. It includes the good and the bad, the flaws and imperfections, as well as the strengths and beauty. It validates that the negative does not cancel out the positive. For example, I have a mole on my face, and it doesn't change anything about who I am. I am in the best physical shape of my life, and I still love pizza.

Self-worth is the internal sense of being good enough for something and deserving of love/acceptance. This is a basic human right and need that you do not have to earn to deserve. Good self-worth is heavily dependent on your support network, so surrounding yourself with the right people is essential, as is the understanding that other people's opinions of you are not necessarily truthful or factual.

Self-talk, also referred to as your inner voice, is the internal dialogue that you have with yourself, often about yourself. When that self-talk turns toward the negative, often your outlook on life in general will darken. Your brain cannot always distinguish that inner voice from someone saying these things to you directly, so imagine going throughout your day with someone whispering in your ear, "You're ugly," "You aren't good enough," "You're a failure," that is going to take a toll on your mental health. Conversely, when you intentionally practice positive self-talk, your mood will lift, and your view of others and life in general will be more positive. Pruning the weeds of negative self-talk by challenging and nurturing the flowers or positive self-talk by using affirmations (I am, I can, I will) or mantras..

Self-reflection is taking the time and effort to evaluate yourself. It means looking at all aspects of yourself and seeing where you may be struggling, making a plan to change that, and acting on that plan. Meditation can be a great tool in this case. For example, I have really been neglecting my own self-care lately. How can I work on that? I have been having a lot of negative self-talk. What needs to change?

Back to School

As we enter into the back-to-school season, this is an important lesson not only to you as the parent but also to your children as they work on developing their selves. Below are some ideas for incorporating self in back to school transitions.

During the car ride to school, take turns saying affirmations.

At dinner, each family member says what they are grateful for that day.

Praise effort of work instead of the end result.

Encourage and model self-care daily.

Refrain from criticizing yourself in front of children (or at all).

Avoid comparisons at all costs.

Identify values that you have, your family has, and your children have.

When your child says they're ugly, have them be more specific and reframe without judgments, then name things that they love about themselves, you too!

Surround yourself with good people who will respect you and encourage your identity of self.
 

Courtney Yeiser is a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor (LPCC) at the Owensboro Health Healthpark, with over 12 years of experience in mental and behavioral health.